It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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