if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
