i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
