I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
