Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
