Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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