I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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