She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize