I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize