I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
