i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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