I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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