There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
