I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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