never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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