had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
