I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Randomize
