You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
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