Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
