I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
