My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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