my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
