Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
