girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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