Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
