so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
