I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
