i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Randomize
