Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Enjoy the penises
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
