Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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