Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
