I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
