I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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