God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
