I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize