Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
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