I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize