One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
