glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
