You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
