i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
