just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
