somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
