Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
