The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
