I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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