just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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