I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
