Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Define "chronic" masturbator.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
