I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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