The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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