Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
