idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
