I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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