shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
