i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
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